[TRUMPET MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD ♪
♪ YOU RASCAL, YOU
♪ I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD ♪
♪ YOU RASCAL, YOU
♪ YOU KNOW YOU DONE ME WRONG ♪
♪ YOU STOLE MY WIFE AND GONE
♪ I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD ♪
♪ YOU RASCAL, YOU
♪ I'M GONNA KILL YOU JUST FOR FUN ♪
♪ YOU RASCAL, YOU
♪ I'M GONNA KILL YOU JUST FOR FUN ♪
♪ YOU RASCAL, YOU
♪ I'M GONNA KILL YOU JUST FOR FUN ♪
♪ THE BUGS CAN HAVE YOU WHEN I'M DONE ♪
♪ I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD ♪
♪ YOU RASCAL, YOU
♪ I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD ♪
♪ YOU RASCAL, YOU
[SIGHS]
MORON.
PUTZ, WHERE ARE THEY BITING?
POP SAYS HE SPOTTED CATFISH HUNTER
DOWN AT INDIAN SLOUGH.
CATFISH HUNTER?
MAYBE THIS IS THE YEAR WE CATCH HIM.
WHERE DO YOU GET THAT "WE" CRAP?
YOU GOT A MOUSE IN YOUR POCKET?
THAT FISH BELONGS TO ME.
I'LL LET YOU VISIT HIM WHEN HE'S MOUNTED ON MY WALL.
HONEY? YOU FORGOT YOUR THERMOS.
HI, ARIEL.
HI!
♪ YOU MESSED WITH MY WIFE, YOU RASCAL, YOU ♪
♪ YOU MESSED WITH MY WIFE ♪
♪ AND NOW I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD ♪
♪ YOU RASCAL, YOU
THAT'S MY FISH!
YOU SON OF A...
♪ I'M GONNA KILL YOU JUST FOR FUN ♪
♪ YOU RASCAL, YOU
♪ I'M GONNA KILL YOU JUST FOR FUN ♪
♪ THE BUGS CAN HAVE YOU WHEN I'M DONE ♪
♪ I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD ♪
♪ YOU RASCAL, YOU
TALK ABOUT HIM, JOEY!
♪ I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD ♪
♪ YOU RASCAL, YOU
OH, THAT'S IT.
COME ON. JUST ONE GOOD BITE.
YES! AND I GOT YOU!
OH, YEAH!
OH, YES!
OH, NO.
OH, DAMN.
Radio: HERE COMES ANOTHER MAN AROUND THIRD.
HE WILL BE HELD UP.
CASTALDO WITH A DOUBLE...
HEY!
HEY, DICKHEAD!
TURN THAT RADIO DOWN!
YOU'RE SCARING ALL THE FISH AWAY.
Radio: HE PLAYED IN THE TWIN CITIES
FOR THE MINNEAPOLIS MILLERS BEFORE GOING TO BOSTON.
WE'LL HAVE ANOTHER LOOK.
TURN THE DAMN RADIO DOWN, WILL YOU?
Radio: WENT OUT AND GOT IT--
WHO PUT A BUG UP YOUR ASS?
I SAW HIM.
CATFISH HUNTER?
RIGHT AFTER I DROPPED ANCHOR,
HE STUCK HIS HEAD UP OVER BY THAT LOG.
HE JUST LOOKED AT ME, SMILED,
AND SWAM DOWN INTO THE MUD.
HE SMILED?
YEAH.
WHEW!
HOLEY MOLEY. HOW BIG IS HE THIS YEAR?
HE'S THE SIZE OF A GODDAMN BUICK,
AND I WOULD HAVE HAD HIM CAUGHT IF YOU HADN'T SHOWN UP.
YOU COULDN'T CATCH CRABS FROM A $10 HOOKER.
HOW IS YOUR SISTER BY THE WAY?
HA HA HA!
OH, HO! HEE! HA!
I SAW SVEN DOWN AT THE DAM.
HE SAYS THERE'S A RUMOR GOING AROUND THAT RICK RAGETTI'S COUSIN
IS COMING DOWN FROM ST. PAUL TO BUY CHUCK'S BAIT.
OH, AN ITALIAN RUNNING CHUCK'S, HUH?
YEAH. WE'LL HAVE THE FIRST MOB-RUN BAIT SHOP IN WABASHA.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS HERE FIRST.
I GOT JUST AS MUCH RIGHT TO BE HERE AS YOU DO.
YOU GOT BAD LUCK.
I DON'T WANT YOU INFECTING MY SPOT.
Radio: HITTING .368...
FIND YOUR OWN DAMN FISHING HOLE!
HOLEY MOLEY, YOU GOT A FART IN YOUR BRAIN?
AND TURN THAT DOWN!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
NOT FAR.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THAT GUY?
HE'S GETTING GOOFIER EVERY YEAR.
YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO TAKE ME ON ANYMORE!
ARIEL'S HAD YOU NEUTERED!
COME ON! LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF, YOU--
AAH!
LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU!
YOU PUTZ!
ALL RIGHT, YOU CHICKEN-LIVERED SCHMEAR!
AAH!
GET OUT OF HERE!
Woman: ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
HMM? OH.
THE LAVA LAMP?
HA HA!
THE ANGEL.
ARIEL SAYS HE WATCHES OVER THE HOUSE.
YEAH, WELL, DON'T GET TOO USED TO HIM.
OUR HOUSE WILL BE READY SOON,
AND THEN WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN UP?
FOR A WHILE.
YEAH?
MM-HMM.
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?
WATCHING YOU.
WHAT?
HA HA!
I'M UP!
YES! YOU ARE.
MORNING, HONEY.
WHY DON'T YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS?
I'LL BE RIGHT OUT TO MAKE YOU BREAKFAST.
SHE HATES ME.
SHE DOESN'T HATE YOU.
SHE JUST DOESN'T LIKE YOU VERY MUCH.
MM-HMM.
I THOUGHT I'D CHECK OUT
SOME RECEPTION HALLS FOR THE WEDDING TODAY.
OH. UH...
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU, I TALKED TO POP,
AND HE'S ALREADY BOOKED A PLACE.
HE DID? YEAH.
THAT'S GREAT! DID HE GET THE RADISSON IN LA CROSSE?
OH, NO.
THE PEPIN DANCE HALL?
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT, BUT NO.
THE MAJESTIC BALLROOM.
NOT EVEN CLOSE.
WHAT'S LEFT?
SLIPPERY'S TAVERN.
HA HA HA!
YOU'RE SERIOUS.
I KNOW IT'S NOT WHAT WE WANTED.
NO, NO. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM TO HAVE MY WEDDING RECEPTION
IN A BAR WHERE YOU CAN PICK PEANUT SHELLS OFF THE FLOOR.
FIRST OF ALL, IT'S A TAVERN.
IT'S A BAR.
OK. I'LL CALL HIM. HE'LL CANCEL.
WE'LL FIND OUR OWN PLACE.
NO, FORGET IT. ARE YOU SURE?
YEAH. IT WAS MY IDEA TO LET THEM HELP PLAN THE WEDDING.
I GOTTA TELL YOU, IT WAS A GREAT IDEA.
IT'S NICE TO SEE THEM GETTING ALONG FOR A CHANGE.
IT'S AMAZING HOW WELL THEY'RE GETTING ALONG.
[ENGINES REVVING]
AH. HA!
HA?
YOU DIDN'T WIN. I QUIT.
I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN DICK AROUND WITH YOU ALL DAY.
REALLY? WHAT?
WE GOT A WEDDING TO PLAN, BONEHEAD. REMEMBER?
HOW COULD I FORGET?
SEE YOU LATER, JOHN.
SEE YOU LATER, MAX.
HEY, POP.
SHUSH! HE'S HERE.
WHAT? CATFISH HUNTER?
BY THE SAND BAR.
YOU KNOW THAT DAMN FISH
IS OLDER THAN I AM?
THANKS.
MMM. WHAT THE...
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
WHAT? THAT'S LIGHT BEER.
GEE. I WEIGH 90 GODDAMN POUNDS,
AND YOU BRING ME THIS SLOPPIN' FOAM?
ARIEL'S GOT ME ON A DIET
BECAUSE THE DOC SAID MY CHOLESTEROL'S A LITTLE TOO HIGH.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING NOW, JOHNNY.
LAST THURSDAY, I TURNED 95 YEARS OLD.
YEAH.
AND I NEVER EXERCISED A DAY OF MY LIFE.
EVERY MORNING, I WAKE UP,
AND I SMOKE A CIGARETTE,
AND THEN I EAT 5 STRIPS OF BACON.
AND FOR LUNCH, I EAT A BACON SANDWICH,
AND FOR A MIDDAY SNACK...
BACON?
BACON! A WHOLE DAMN PLATE,
AND I USUALLY DRINK MY DINNER.
NOW, ACCORDING TO ALL OF THEM FLAB-BELLY EXPERTS,
I SHOULD HAVE TOOK A DIRT NAP,
LIKE, 30 YEARS AGO,
BUT EACH YEAR COMES AND GOES,
AND I'M STILL HERE...
HA! AND THEY KEEP DYING.
YOU KNOW?
SOMETIMES I WONDER
IF GOD FORGOT ABOUT ME.
IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, HUH?
WHAT?
HUH?
IT GOES TO SHOW YOU WHAT?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU SAID YOU DRINK BEER, YOU EAT BACON,
AND YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES,
AND YOU OUTLIVE MOST OF THE EXPERTS.
YEAH?
I THOUGHT MAYBE THERE'S A MORAL.
NO, THERE AIN'T NO MORAL.
I JUST LIKE THAT STORY.
THAT'S ALL.
I LIKE THAT STORY.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
OH, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO.
AREN'T YOU BEAUTIFUL TODAY?
ARE YOU THIRSTY? HUH?
OH, THERE WE GO. DRINK UP.
YEAH. DRINK UP.
THAT'S RIGHT.
OOH, THERE WE GO. THERE WE GO.
DRINK UP.
HI, ARIEL.
OH, HI!
ISN'T IT A GLORIOUS AFTERNOON?
IT'S NOT BAD.
YOU OK? FEELING ALL RIGHT?
SPLENDID. WHY?
I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING THAT YOU WERE TALKING TO THE FLOWERS.
WELL, PLANTS AND FLOWERS
ARE LIVING ORGANISMS, AND...
AND THEY RESPOND TO VOICE AND TOUCH,
JUST LIKE ANY OTHER CREATURE WOULD.
YOU SHOULD TRY IT YOURSELF SOMETIME.
I GOT A CACTUS IN MY BATHROOM,
BUT WE GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO EACH OTHER.
OH.
HA HA! I BETTER GET GOING.
MAX.
YES.
LISTEN, I'M, UH...
LOOK, I'M COOKING CANTONESE TONIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US?
I ALREADY MADE OTHER PLANS.
ARE YOU SURE?
THANKS ANYWAY. APPRECIATE IT.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN BONNIE AND CLYDE
TURN OUT TO BE BONNIE AND BONNIE?
LESBIAN BANDITS, NEXT ON GERALDO.
OH! LESBIANS. YUMMY.
Ariel: WAIT.
WOULD YOU...
John: YEAH, BUT I LIKE THOSE.
CAN I DO THIS?
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU GOT TO WAIT.
HA HA HA!
WHY DON'T WE JUST
PUT EVERYTHING IN HERE?
THROW IT ALL IN THERE. CHOP IT UP.
HA HA HA!
NEED TO BORROW A PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER.
OH, HI, JACOB. YOU BEEN HERE LONG?
MMM, NO.
PHILLIPS.
POP, DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME
YOU START DATING AGAIN?
WHO WITH?
I HAPPEN TO KNOW FLORENCE GILBERT AT THE ROTARY CLUB
THINKS YOU'RE QUITE A CATCH.
SHE LOOKS LIKE ERNEST BORGNINE.
IS THAT SUCH A BAD THING?
YEAH.
WHAT ABOUT JANE CLARK?
JANE OF THE JUNGLE! GOT MORE BODY HAIR THAN I DO.
SHE'S A FUR- BEARING MAMMAL, FOR GOD'S SAKES!
DORIS ZABRINSKI, HUH?
I KNOW SHE'S HEAVY,
BUT SHE LOVES TO FISH.
DORIS ZABRINSKI IS DEAD.
SHE IS?
SHE CHOKED TO DEATH ON A STACK OF PANCAKES
2 WEEKS AGO AT THE LIONS CLUB CHARITY BREAKFAST.
WOW.
I THINK IT'S HOW SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED TO GO.
POP.
YEAH.
LISTEN TO ME.
YOU CAN'T SIT AROUND WAITING FOR ANOTHER ARIEL
TO WALK INTO YOUR LIFE.
THANKS FOR THE PHILLIPS.
JACOB.
WHAT?
REMEMBER, WHEN YOU WERE A KID,
YOUR MOTHER BAKED THAT RHUBARB PIE FOR MY BIRTHDAY?
SHE SWELLED UP LIKE A BALLOON,
BROKE OUT IN HIVES.
SHE DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS ALLERGIC TO RHUBARB.
OH, SHE KNEW. SHE BAKED IT ANYWAY
'CAUSE SHE KNEW IT WAS MY FAVORITE.
WHAT MADE YOU THINK OF THAT, POP?
I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME.
HEY, POP.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
WOULD YOU GET OUT OF HERE AND LET ME WATCH MY PROGRAM?
AND CLOSE THE DOOR WHEN YOU GO
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THOSE MOSQUITOES COMING IN.
THEY'RE CRAZY ABOUT
MY MACARONI AND CHEESE DISH.
Max: HELLO?
ANYBODY HERE?
OHH!
[YELLING IN ITALIAN]
MY NAME IS MAX GOLD--GOLDMAN.
OUT! OUT!
TAKE IT EASY.
LOOK, RELAX. WOULD YOU RELAX?
[YELLING IN ITALIAN]
MAMA!
[YELLING IN ITALIAN]
MAMA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M-A GONNA WHACK HIM!
PUT IT DOWN!
HE TRIED TO STEAL THE VINO ROSSO!
YOU THINK EVERYONE IS TRYING STEAL THE VINO ROSSO!
THEY ARE!
THIS IS A SMALL TOWN.
YOU CAN TRUST PEOPLE HERE.
LIKE ANTONIO?
NEXT TIME HE TOUCH-A VINO,
I WHACK HIS HEAD LIKE A MELONE!
HOLEY MOLEY.
I'M SO SORRY.
SCUSI, BUT MY MOTHER
IS A LITTLE BIT TOO PROTECTIVE OF THE WINE.
YEAH. SO I NOTICED! HA HA HA!
SHE CRUSHED THE GRAPES HERSELF BACK IN PALERMO.
IT'S A RARE VINTAGE...
WITH UNIQUE BOUQUET.
IS THAT A NICE WAY OF SAYING
THAT THE WINE SMELLS LIKE YOUR MAMA'S FEET?
NO, NO, NO.
I...I WAS, UH...
MY NAME'S GOLDMAN. MAX GOLDMAN.
I LIVE IN THE AREA HERE.
MARIA SOPHIA COLLETA RAGETTI.
AH. THAT'S QUITE A NAME.
MM-HMM.
RAGETTI!
RAGETTI.
YOU'RE SPAGHETTI RAGETTI'S COUSIN!
YEAH. WHY SO SURPRISED?
HOLEY MOLEY. WELL, I THOUGHT...
I THOUGHT...
I WAS EXPECTING SOMEONE THAT LOOKED LIKE RICK.
HOW'S THAT?
YOU KNOW, FAT, HAIRY, HOMELY...
BUT YOU'RE NOT SO FAT.
YOU'RE A SMOOTH TALKER, MR. GOLDMAN.
HA! THERE'S MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM, MISS RAGETTI.
SO WHEN IS THE BAIT SHOP
GOING TO BE BACK IN BUSINESS?
UH...BAIT SHOP?
WHAT IS A BAIT SHOP?
THAT'S WHAT WE CALL IT IN MINNESOTA.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHERE YOU COME FROM?
OH, WE CALL IT,
I THINK, RISTORANTE.
MM-HMM.
RISTORANTE?
YOU MEAN YOU'RE GOING TO TURN THIS INTO A RESTAURANT?
SI.
NO. YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
WHY NOT?
WELL, THERE'S GOING TO BE
A LOT OF NOISE, PEOPLE COMING, DRIVING WITH CARS.
YOU'LL SCARE ALL THE FISH AWAY.
THIS IS THE LAND OF 10,000 LAKES.
GO FIND ANOTHER ONE.
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME, MISS RAGETTI.
I'M TELLING YOU,
PEOPLE AREN'T GOING TO COME DOWN HERE FOR I-TALIAN
WHEN WE GOT A CHUCK E. CHEESE RIGHT IN TOWN.
LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW THIS CHEESE PERSON,
BUT RAGETTI'S WILL BE
A ROMANTIC, LAKE-FRONT RISTORANTE.
IT WILL BE SPECIAL, CLASSY--
SOMEWHERE YOU WOULD NEVER GO.
OH, YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
VIA. THERE'S MUCH TO DO
BEFORE THE OPENING OF MY RISTORANTE.
BAIT SHOP.
RISTORANTE.
BAIT-A SHOP-EE!
RISTORANTE!
RISTORANTE, HO DETTO!
HAI CAPITO? RISTORANTE!
YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME WHACK HIM.
YEAH.
I'M DONE.
POP, I WISH YOU'D TRY THE LOW-FAT BACON.
WELL, YOU CAN WISH IN ONE HAND
AND CRAP IN THE OTHER
AND SEE WHICH GETS FILLED FIRST.
THIS WAGON'S GOT TO GET FILLED FIRST.
I'LL BE BACK.
WELL, PICK ME UP A PACK OF CAMELS!
ALL RIGHT. YOU GOT IT.
AH...OOH.
HEY!
HEY, YOU NEED A HAND WITH THAT? HUH?
MY NAME'S GUSTAFSON.
IL MIO NOME E FRANCESCA RAGETTI.
HOO HOO HOO! ITALIAN GIRL!
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO BACK TO MY PLACE?
I'LL SHOW YOU MY CANNELLONI.
HUH?
OOH.
HI, CHRIS.
HI. HOW YOU DOING?
FINE.
AH!
OOH!
OX!
NAG!
HEY, MORON.
PUTZ, WHERE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
WHY? WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT?
THAT!
UGH!
JEEZ, LOUISE, WHO IS THAT?
THAT'S SPAGHETTI RAGETTI'S COUSIN.
YOU MEAN SHE'S GOING TO BE RUNNING THE BAIT SHOP?
RISTORANTE.
HUH?
AND YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT
LEAVING YOUR BOAT DOWN THERE.
IT'S ALL PRIVATE PROPERTY.
CHUCK WOULD BE SPINNING IN HIS GRAVE IF HE KNEW.
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
I GUESS THERE'S NOTHING MUCH WE CAN DO.
YOU'RE GOING TO STAND THERE AND LET THIS HAPPEN?
WELL, WHAT AM I--
I'VE BEEN FISHING THAT SPOT EVER SINCE I'M 5 YEARS OLD.
IT'S ALL I GOT LEFT.
I KNOW, BUT WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
WE GOT TO COME UP WITH A PLAN.
WE GOT TO FIND A WAY TO PUT THE KIBOSH ON ALL THIS MESS.
WELL--
[YELLING IN ITALIAN]
IT'S OK! I'M A DOCTOR!
OH, SOUNDS LIKE DAD'S USING
HIS "FREE EXAM" TRICK AGAIN.
YOU GOT TO STICK WITH WHAT WORKS.
LISTEN, ASK JACOB IF HE CAN PULL SOME STRINGS
WITH THE CITY COUNCIL.
FIND OUT WHAT DAY THIS RISTORANTE
IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE ITS HEALTH INSPECTION.
I THINK I GOT AN IDEA.
[YELLING IN ITALIAN]
THAT'S... THAT'S GOOD THINKING.
DAD!
MAX IS RIGHT. OUR FISHING SPOT'S GOING TO BE RUINED.
THEY MAY AS WELL DRAIN THE WHOLE DAMN LAKE.
STOP MOVING.
YOU KNOW THE SIGN SHE PUT UP, HONEY?
"PARKING FOR RESTAURANT CUSTOMERS ONLY."
JUST A LITTLE WHILE LONGER.
MAYBE THEY'LL HAVE A BIG GREASE FIRE IN THE KITCHEN.
JOHN!
A GUY CAN DREAM, CAN'T HE?
YOU GOT TO LET THIS THING GO, HONEY.
GOT TO LET IT GO.
CHUCK IS GONE, THE BAIT SHOP IS GONE, THINGS MOVE ON,
AND I SUGGEST YOU DO THE SAME.
AND STOP FIDGETING!
I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL
I EVER LET YOU TALK ME INTO DOING THIS.
GOD IF MAX COULD SEE ME NOW,
I'D NEVER LIVE IT DOWN.
WOULD YOU RELAX? WE'RE THE ONLY ONES HERE.
THERE'S NOBODY HERE EXCEPT YOU AND ME.
HMM.
HA HA HA!
WHAT A PUTZ!
WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT POOR MAN?
HA HA HA!
Grandpa: AND THEN THE MAMA BEAR SAID,
"SOMEBODY'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED, TOO!"
AND FINALLY, THE BABY BEAR
LOOKED AND HE SAID,
"SOMEBODY'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED,
AND THE BASTARD'S STILL THERE!"
HEE HEE HEE!
BUT GOLDILOCKS HAD A REMINGTON SEMIAUTOMATIC
WITH A SCOPE AND A HAIR TRIGGER.
THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT GOES!
AND THAT WAS THE END...
HA HA HA!
OF THE 3 BEARS.
SING ME A LULLABY.
OH, IT'S TOO LATE.
PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT.
♪ STARS SHINING BRIGHT ABOVE YOU ♪
♪ LIGHT BREEZES SEEM TO WHISPER ♪
♪ "I LOVE YOU"
♪ BIRDS SINGING IN THE SYCAMORE TREE ♪
♪ DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME ♪
♪ SAY NIGHTY-NIGHT
♪ KISS ME
♪ JUST HUG ME TIGHT
♪ AND TELL ME YOU MISS ME ♪
♪ WHILE STARS ARE SHINING ♪
♪ BRIGHT AS CAN BE
♪ DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME ♪
GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PEA.
GOOD NIGHT.
HAPPY DREAMS.
OK, THAT LEAVES...
UNCLE WILLY SITTING NEXT TO THE PLANT LADY.
I'M NOT STICKING THE PLANT LADY NEXT TO YOUR UNCLE WILLY.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE HE'S A GROPER.
HE'D BE ALL OVER HER.
HE'S NOT A GROPER.
HE'S A TOUCHY-FEELY PERSON.
HE'S NOT GONNA BE TOUCHY-FEELYING THE PLANT LADY.
IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S A CLOSE FRIEND.
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME.
"THE PLANT LADY." WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
IT DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S NOT IMPORTANT TO ME.
FINE.
GOOD.
ALLIE, HONEY, DON'T PUT THE QUARTER IN YOUR MOUTH.
YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY.
John: HEY, WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, POP?
Both: A BACON SANDWICH.
KIDS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO FINISH THE SEATING ARRANGEMENT
FOR THE WEDDING RECEPTION.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
MAX AND I HAVE ALREADY COME UP WITH A PLAN.
OH, NO, DAD. YOU GUYS HAVE DONE WAY TOO MUCH ALREADY.
HELLO, CHILDREN.
HEY, MORON.
PUTZ.
YOU, UH...
FIND THE RAT?
NO, BUT ALLIE SAID WE COULD BORROW SPARKY.
WHAT IF HE GETS AWAY?
I MADE A LEASH.
GOOD THINKING.
WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT WITH SPARKY?
WAIT. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
IT'S MEN TALK.
SEE YOU LATER, HUH?
ALLIE, WHERE'S THE QUARTER?
HEE HEE!
HONEY.
ALLIE, DID YOU SWALLOW A QUARTER?
I'LL CALL THE DOCTOR.
RELAX. KIDS SWALLOW QUARTERS ALL THE TIME.
REALLY? SURE.
IF SHE CRAPS OUT 2 DIMES AND A NICKEL,
THEN YOU CAN START WORRYING, HUH?
COME HERE. SAY "AHH."
PERSONALLY CLEANED EVERY LITTLE CORNER.
JUST LOOK.
LIKE A MIRROR.
MISS RAGETTI, EVERYTHING APPEARS TO BE
UP TO OUR STANDARDS.
I'M VERY GLAD.
OF COURSE, APPEARANCES CAN BE...DECEIVING.
OH, SI. SI.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? NOW?
UNLEASH THE BEAST.
YOU WILL BE WEARING YOUR HAIR NET
WHEN YOU'RE COOKING FOR THE PUBLIC.
[WHISPERING] Say yes.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
SHE SAID, "YES, SIR. OF COURSE."
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE IN ORDER.
ACT RABID.
BE RABID. GOOD LUCK TO YOU, YOU SCHMUCK.
AAH!
WHAT?
IT'S A RAT!
A RAT? HERE?
VERMIN INFESTATION!
I'M WRITING YOU UP.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! IT'S A...
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
IT'S NOT A RAT. IT'S A...
IT'S A GUINEA PIG.
A GUINEA PIG?
IT'S A GUINEA PIG. LOOK.
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT A GUINEA PIG
WOULD RUN THROUGH HERE ON AN INSPECTION DAY?
HMM?
WELL, LATELY, I MUST SAY THAT THE CHANCES
ARE PRETTY GOOD.
UH-OH.
OX.
NAG!
I DON'T THINK WE'VE MET.
I'M MARIA RAGETTI.
HOW DO YOU-- JOHN GUSTAFSON.
AH. YOU LIKE ITALIAN, MR. GUSTAFSON?
W-WELL, YEAH. I GUESS SO. WHY?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
BUON APPETITO.
OH! OH!
E ARRIVEDERCI, BOYS.
SHOULD WE ASK HER FOR SOME GARLIC BREAD?
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
♪ AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE ♪
♪ NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
♪ AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE ♪
♪ WHAT YOU SAY?
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
♪ AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE ♪
♪ NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
♪ AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE ♪
♪ OLD WOMAN, OLD WOMAN, DON'T YOU TREAT ME SO MEAN ♪
♪ YOU'RE THE MEANEST OLD WOMAN I HAVE EVER SEEN ♪
[YELLING IN ITALIAN]
♪ I'LL HAVE TO PACK MY THINGS AND GO ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
♪ AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE ♪
♪ NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
♪ AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE ♪
♪ WHAT YOU SAY?
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
♪ AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE ♪
♪ NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
♪ AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE ♪
♪ GET LOST! ♪ WHO, ME?
♪ THAT'S RIGHT!
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
♪ AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE ♪
♪ NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
♪ AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE ♪
HOW COULD I BE SO WRONG?
YOU HAVE A GIFT.
NOT ONE CUSTOMER ALL DAY.
I MEAN, BESIDES HIM.
HEY,
MORE VINO, SEÑORITA.
YOU GO.
IT'S YOUR TURN.
UH-UH.
I PUT HIS BIB ON.
BAH.
WELL...
WHAT'S THE MATTER, BEAUTIFUL?
YOU'RE MEANER THAN A DOG
SHITTING TACKS.
WE PUT EVERYTHING INTO THIS PLACE.
WE COULD HAVE RETIRED IN HAWAII.
I HAVE BEEN TO HAWAII.
WHICH ISLAND?
COME-ON- I-WANNA-LAY-YOU.
[LAUGHS]
I FIND YOU DISGUSTING.
WELL, JUST AS LONG AS YOU FIND ME.
HA HA HA!
YOU WANT TO JOIN ME, MISS RAGETTI?
OH...
HUH?
WHAT THE HECK?
THAT A GIRL.
YEAH.
DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD.
HERE'S TO US.
AND TO THOSE LIKE US.
THERE'S DAMN FEW OF US LEFT.
THAT'S A DAMN GOOD THING.
TO CHUCK.
MAY HIS BAIT SHOP NEVER DIE.
Radio: ♪ IF OUR LIPS SHOULD MEET, INNAMORATA ♪
♪ IF YOU KISS ME SWEET, INNAMORATA... ♪
MAMA.
GET DRESSED.
WE GO TO TOWN.
MAMA?
♪ WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE ♪
♪ THAT'S AMORE
♪ WHEN THE WORLD SEEMS TO SHINE LIKE YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE ♪
♪ THAT'S AMORE
♪ BELLS WILL RING, TING-A-LING-A-LING ♪
♪ TING-A-LING-A-LING, AND YOU'LL SING ♪
♪ VITA BELLA...
[JUKEBOX PLAYING VENUS]
♪ A GODDESS ON A MOUNTAINTOP ♪
♪ WAS BURNING LIKE A SILVER FLAME ♪
♪ THE SUMMIT OF BEAUTY AND LOVE ♪
♪ AND VENUS WAS HER NAME
HOLEY MOLEY.
♪ SHE'S GOT IT
IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?
♪ MY BABY, SHE'S GOT IT
HMM?
OH...
NO.
BEWARE.
THE DEVIL IS A BEAUTIFUL LADY IN A RED DRESS.
CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING, MA'AM?
YES, PLEASE. IT'S SO HOT IN HERE.
MAYBE SOME ICE WATER COULD COOL ME DOWN.
YES, MA'AM.
WHEW.
MAX...
I'VE BEEN THINKING IT'S SUCH A SHAME
THAT WE GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT.
IT'S A SHAME.
I'LL BET IF WE GAVE IT ANOTHER CHANCE, WE COULD--
BECOME GOOD FRIENDS.
FRIENDS.
OR MAYBE EVEN MORE THAN FRIENDS.
EH?
HMM?
GO EASY. GO EASY, BABY, AND WOOSH.
OOH, THIS FEELS SO MUCH BETTER.
SO NICE. AHH.
SO COOL.
SO NICE.
AHH.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
UH, FRIENDLY. FRIENDLY.
I WISH I COULD FEEL LIKE YOU DO,
BUT THESE SILLY FEUD OF OURS
HAS GOT ME SO UPSET.
WHAT SILLY FEUD OF OURS?
IT'S A TINY, LITTLE RISTORANTE.
YOU WILL NEVER EVEN KNOW IT'S THERE.
RISTORANTE?
NEVER!
YOU ARE A STUBBORN MAN.
RAGETTI'S WILL BE A VERY GREAT SUCCESS.
YOU SHALL SEE.
NOT IN MY LIFETIME.
BAH!
YOU EVIL TEMPTRESS!
MARIA?
MARIA RAGETTI.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
WELL--YOU DO SORT OF STAND OUT
IN A TOWN LIKE THIS.
I DON'T USUALLY DRESS LIKE THIS.
UH--YOU LOOK VERY NICE.
I LOOK LIKE A--A SLUT.
BUT A NICE SLUT.
I WANT TO INTRODUCE MYSELF. MY NAME IS ARIEL GUSTAFSON,
AND I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW VERY SORRY I AM
FOR WHAT MAX AND JOHN ARE PUTTING YOU THROUGH.
YOU KNOW HOW SOME PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE SAYING GOOD-BYE?
BELIEVE ME, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
IO NON CAPISCO.
WHY DO YOU SAY SUCH NICE THINGS? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.
BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE THE NEW KID IN TOWN.
AHH.
HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE.
HELLO, BOYS.
HEY, HONEY, HOW WAS CLASS?
ARIEL.
YOU TWO MUST BE VERY HAPPY WITH YOURSELVES.
I JUST RAN INTO MARIA,
AND SHE'S IN TEARS.
SHE THINKS THAT EVERYBODY HATES HER.
SHE'S RIGHT.
I WANT YOU TO GO TO RAGETTI'S AND APOLOGIZE.
APOLOGIZE?
FOR WHAT?
WE WERE TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO HER.
SHE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED.
I'LL MEET YOU AT HOME, HONEY.
UMM.
I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE ON A SHORT LEASH,
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ON A CHOKE COLLAR.
NOBODY'S IN CHARGE OF MY HOUSE EXCEPT ME.
THAT'S THE WAY TO TALK, GUSTAFSON.
I'M GOING HOME NOW TO GET THIS STRAIGHTENED OUT.
YOU'RE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE, THE KING OF THE CASTLE.
MAX, TOP HER OFF?
SURE.
LONG LIVE THE KING!
[KNOCK KNOCK]
WHAT?
SHE THREW ME OUT.
OH, NO.
JUST FOR TONIGHT.
FORGET IT.
YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW I'M HERE.
THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU WON'T BE HERE.
WHAT?
I'M COLD.
HERE'S SOME MATCHES.
SET YOURSELF ON FIRE.
[SPEAKING SPANISH ON TELEVISION]
OH.
[MAX BRUSHING TEETH]
YOU GOT 3 TVs ON,
YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT ANY OF THEM.
[GARGLING]
[GARGLING CONTINUES]
WHAT A PIG.
HEY, THAT'S MY TUNA ON RYE.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR THAT.
WHERE DID YOU FIND IT?
WOULD YOU LIKE A HALF?
HUH?
[CHEERING ON TELEVISION]
THIS MILK HAS CHUNKS IN IT.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT?
RIGHT NEXT DOOR I'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL WIFE, MY OWN BED,
AND A REFRIGERATOR FULL OF FOOD
THAT HASN'T PASSED ITS EXPIRATION DATE.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
I'M SAYING I'M GOING DOWN TO RAGETTI'S
AND APOLOGIZE TO MARIA.
YOU TRAITOR.
YOU BENEDICT ARNOLD!
YEAH, YEAH.
FINALLY.
DIDN'T THINK HE'D LAST THIS LONG.
SMELLS ALL RIGHT.
AND WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN
THIS CHANGE OF HEART?
I HAD A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.
WELL, OK.
ARIEL KICKED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.
I KNEW I LIKED YOUR WIFE.
AND WHAT ABOUT MAX?
MAX? OH, MY GOD, FORGET IT.
MAX'S MUCH TOO HARDHEADED TO EVER SAY HE'S SORRY.
HE'S PROUD.
I DON'T KNOW. OF WHAT?
HE HAS A STRONG CHARACTER.
I ADMIRE THAT.
YOU ADMIRE MAX?
YOU REALLY ARE FROM OUT OF TOWN.
BE CAREFUL.
THE GRAPPA IS VERY STRONG.
YOU ARE SPEAKING TO A GUSTAFSON.
I CAN HOLD MY LIQUOR.
AND THIS STUFF, TOO.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?
6 MONTHS NEXT WEEK.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
I'M DIVORCED.
I'M SORRY.
ANTONIO WAS, UH, UN UOMO TERRIBILE.
JEEZ, THAT SOUNDS BAD.
IT AIN'T GOOD.
OH, JEEZ.
ENOUGH OF THAT.
I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU.
[MUMBLES]
MR. GUSTAFSON?
ECCO QUA. BUONA NOTTE.
SOGNI D'ORO.
GOOD NIGHT, ARIEL.
HEY.
Max: BUON GIORNO, SIGNORA.
Cassette recorder: BUONA SERA.
BUONA SERA, SIGNORE.
ARRIVEDERCI.
YO HO, THERE, MA. ARRIVEDERCIO.
ARRIVEDERCI, SIGNORINA.
BUONA SERA, SIGNORA.
PA.
ARRIVEDER--
HEY, JACOB. HOW ARE YOU?
THANKS FOR THE PHILLIPS.
LISTEN...
POP, MELANIE AND I WANTED TO THANK YOU AND JOHN--
I GOT IT.
WE JUST WANTED YOU AND JOHN TO KNOW
HOW MUCH WE APPRECIATE ALL THE HELP YOU'VE GIVEN US
PLANNING THE WEDDING.
THERE'S NO NEED TO THANK ME, JACOB.
YES, BUT WE ACTUALLY--
NOTHING WOULD MAKE US HAPPIER
THAN TO SEE YOU TWO TIE THE KNOT.
THANKS, BUT--
IT MEANS A GREAT DEAL TO ME TO BE A PART OF IT.
I'M PROUD OF YOU, SON.
STUDYING UP ON YOUR ITALIAN, ARE YOU?
YOU THINKING OF WOOING MARIA?
NO, I'M JUST GOING TO CURSE AT HER IN HER OWN LANGUAGE.
I THINK SHE'S A LESBIAN, ANYWAY.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A LESBIAN.
DID, TOO.
SAW THEM ON GERALDO.
SAY WHATEVER YOU WILL, I THINK YOU'RE HOT FOR HER.
NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.
SHE'S JUST A PIGHEADED I-TALIAN WITCH
WITH PISS AND VINEGAR RUNNING THROUGH HER VEINS.
HE'S IN LOVE.
♪ O SOLE MIO
♪ MANO NERO
♪ O SOLE MIO
ARIEL.
BUON GIORNO.
OH, BUON GIORNO.
LEI PARLA ITALIANO MOLTO BENE, SIGNOR.
GRACIAS, FRAULEIN.
WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
SVEN SAID HE SPOTTED CATFISH HUNTER DOWN AT INDIAN SLOUGH.
THOUGHT I'D TAKE A LOOK.
OH, YEAH.
WHERE'S TWEEDLEDUM?
TWEEDLEDUM?
OH, JOHN.
TWEEDLEDUM.
I SUPP--I DON'T KNOW.
YOU DON'T KNOW?
HE DIDN'T SPEND THE NIGHT HERE?
NO. LAST NIGHT HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO RAGETTI'S
TO APOLOGIZE TO MARIA.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME HE DIDN'T COME HOME?
[JOHN MUMBLES]
AAH!
HE'S ALIVE.
TAKE THIS. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.
WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU PASSED OUT.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU SHOULD DRIVE HOME.
OH, GOD.
I FEEL LIKE A POLKA BAND IS PLAYING IN MY HEAD.
YOU'LL FEEL BETTER AFTER A HOT SHOWER.
COME ON. MAMA.
AVANTI. DOCCIA.
BUT I DON'T NEED A HOT SHOWER.
WHAT IF HE HAD AN ACCIDENT?
THE ONLY ACCIDENT HE'S GOING TO HAVE IS WHEN I SEE HIM.
I'M SURE THERE'S A LOGICAL EXPLANATION FOR ALL THIS.
YOU KNOW, IT MUST BE NICE LIVING IN NEVER-NEVER LAND.
MAYBE I'LL COME AND VISIT YOU SOMETIME
WHEN I NEED A BREAK FROM REALITY.
STEP ON IT.
HE'S GOING TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
I'M GOING TO LISTEN CAREFULLY, AND THEN I'M GOING TO KILL HIM.
I'M SURE THERE'S A LOGICAL EXPLANATION FOR ALL THIS, ARIEL.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT. WHERE IS HE?
WHAT IS IT?
WE KNOW HE'S HERE.
DON'T DENY IT.
WAIT. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I WANT TO TALK TO HIM RIGHT NOW.
LET ME EXPLAIN.
GUSTAFSON!
GET OUT HERE!
WHAT IN THE--
WHAT?
Max: WHAT'S GOING ON?
NOTHING'S GOING ON.
Both: WHERE'S JOHN?
WAIT A MINUTE!
JOHN--
WHAT?
HOW COULD YOU?
THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
GUSTAFSON, YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
FIRST IT WAS MAY, THEN IT WAS ARIEL,
AND NOW IT'S MARIA!
WATCH THAT DAMN THING.
YOU SAID YOU HATED MARIA!
THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
YOU SAID I SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO HER.
APOLOGIZE, YES-- NOT SLEEP WITH HER.
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.
DO YOU THINK I HAD SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND?
YOU SURE WEREN'T HAVING SEX WITH ME.
WHY SHOULD I HAVE SEX WITH YOU?
YOU JUST SAID YOU HATED ME.
HE SAID I HATED YOU.
I NEVER SAID I HATED YOU.
ACTUALLY, I'VE GROWN QUITE FOND OF YOU.
SO, NOW I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
INSTEAD OF HIM.
YOU ADMIT THAT YOU SLEPT WITH MY HUSBAND.
NOBODY SLEPT WITH ANYBODY!
AH, FINALMENTE!
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!
MMM...
♪ LA DI DA DA DI
♪ YA DA DI
MAMA!
JEEZ. I HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK LAST NIGHT.
SURE. BLAME IT ON THE BOOZE.
AND YOU THINK THAT'S AN ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE?
WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?
NO!
FERMI TUTTI!
I KNOW MY MARIA.
SHE DON'T WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT MAN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE...
SHE WANTS THAT MAN.
ME?
WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?
PREFERISCO BACIARE IL CULO DI UN ALCE.
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I'D RATHER KISS A DEAD MOOSE'S BUTT.
SO, I'LL CALL YOU?
Lena: 3 TIERS LIKE THIS, JA?
THE LEMON CAKE WITH THE WHITE FROSTING
AND THE YELLOW FLOWERS. YOU LIKE?
IT'S PERFECT, LENA.
EXACTLY WHAT WE WANTED.
AND NOW FOR THE BIG SURPRISE...
NO. WHAT SURPRISE?
WE DON'T WANT ANY SURPRISES.
JOHN THOUGHT OF THIS ONE ALL BY HIMSELF.
THE GROOM GOES HERE,
AND THE BRIDE,
SHE GOES ON TOP LIKE THIS,
AND THEN THIS GOES HERE...
AND THEN, ON TOP OF THE CAKE, IN THE FROSTING,
WE SPELL OUT,
"MELANIE HAS LANDED HERSELF ANOTHER HUSBAND."
OH...
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
Max: ♪ MARIA
♪ I JUST MET A GIRL NAMED MARIA ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY I SEE
♪ SHE'S NOT THE BITCH I THOUGHT SHE'D BE ♪
♪ MARIA
♪ OH, MARIA, MARIA, MARIA ♪
♪ AH, MARIA, AH, MARIA ♪
♪ MA--
SHH!
OX.
NAG.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A FISHERMAN.
THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME.
ANY LUCK?
OOH.
HOLEY MOLEY!
HA HA HA!
I SHOWED YOU MINE. NOW YOU SHOW ME YOURS.
OH, I DON'T--
OH, YOU MEAN THE FISH.
OH, COM'E PICCOLO!
IT AIN'T THE SIZE THAT MATTERS.
ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT YOUR FISH?
VERY FUNNY.
I, UH... YOU KNOW, MARIA,
I'VE LIVED HERE ALL MY LIFE.
NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT THIS PLACE
ANY MORE THAN I DO.
I KNOW EVERYTHING.
I COULD TAKE YOU AROUND SOMETIME IF YOU...
IF YOU WOULD LIKE IT.
ARE YOU ASKING ME ON A DATE?
HELL, NO.
BUT IF I WERE-- AND I'M NOT, MIND YOU--
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
WELL, IF I WERE TO ACCEPT--
AND I'M NOT SAYING I WOULD--
BECAUSE I HAVEN'T ASKED YOU.
MM-HMM. I WOULD SAY, UM...
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
MMM...
MAYBE.
MAYBE? WHAT KIND OF AN ANSWER IS MAYBE?
MAYBE IS MAYBE.
THEN MAYBE I'LL STOP BY AT 7:00 TONIGHT.
MAYBE I'LL COOK SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU IN THE KITCHEN.
I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
MAYBE.
CIAO.
WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
Maria: WHAT DO YOU THINK, MAMA?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
DON'T YOU THINK IT MAKES ME LOOK FAT?
HE SHOULD BE SO PICKY.
HE'S GOT THE FACE OF A MACKEREL.
ANTONIO HAD THE FACE OF AN ANGEL,
AND LOOK WHERE HE GOT ME.
HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR HEART BROKEN?
MAX IS DIFFERENT, MAMA.
HE MAKES ME LAUGH.
I DON'T LIKE THIS, NOT ONE BIT.
BUT IT'S JUST A DATE.
I'M NOT MARRYING HIM.
NOT YET.
[MIMICKING] "NOT YET."
MAMA, HEY...
ARE YOU SURE YOU LIKE THE WHITE BETTER?
SI!
"SI"!
DEFINITELY THE BLUE.
OH, BOY.
YEAH. I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
OH, COME ON.
YOU JUST BE YOURSELF. YOU'LL BE FINE.
YEAH.
WHY DON'T YOU PICK UP A BOTTLE OF WINE
ON THE WAY?
SHE'LL APPRECIATE THE GESTURE.
CHECK.
DON'T FORGET, NOW...
COMPLIMENT HER ON HOW GREAT SHE LOOKS.
OK. ALREADY GOT THAT COVERED.
LET ME HEAR IT.
MARIA...
YEAH?
THERE MAY BE LOTS OF FISH IN THE SEA,
BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
I WOULD LIKE TO MOUNT OVER MY FIREPLACE.
THAT'S NOT...BAD.
YOU NOTICED THE SEXUAL INNUENDO?
I DID.
SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES--
IT'S HOW YOU GET PEOPLE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT
WITHOUT THEM KNOWING IT.
WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT?
GERALDO.
OH, BOY.
HEY! VERY NICE.
YEAH. I WENT TO NATE'S AUTO BODY SHOP,
HAD ALL THE SEATS REFINISHED.
IT'S AUTHENTIC IMITATION LEATHER.
[ENGINE STARTS]
GO GET 'EM, TIGER.
YOU GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
HE'S DOOMED.
[CLATTERING]
THERE ARE MANY FISH IN THE SEA, MARIA,
BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
I WANT TO MOUNT OVER MY FIREPLACE.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE...
BUT YOU'RE...
CIAO.
HOLEY MOLEY.
GOOD EVENING, MARIA.
GOOD EVENING.
UH...YOU LOOK NICE.
THANK YOU.
I, UH...
I JUST WANT TO SAY...
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS...
THERE ARE MANY WOMEN FLOATING IN THE RIVER,
BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
I WANT TO STUFF
AND STICK OVER ON MY WALL
OVER THE FIREPLACE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN?
PLEASE.
I--
I DIDN'T SAY IT RIGHT.
Maria: I'VE NEVER SEEN
WINE THAT COMES FROM A BOX BEFORE.
IT'S PRETTY FANCY, HUH?
LOOK. IT'S EVEN GOT ITS OWN TAP.
OOH.
LOOK AT THIS.
HERE. YOU GOT IT?
SI, SI, SI, SI, SI.
REAL WINE.
THAT'S GREAT. YES.
SO, HOW DO YOU LIKE THE OLD PLACE?
UH...IT'S CHANGED.
IS THAT GOOD OR BAD?
IT'S THE WORST. I HATE CHANGE.
WHY?
THINGS NEVER CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.
WELL, CHANGE BROUGHT ME HERE TO WABASHA.
ARE YOU SAYING YOU WISH I HADN'T COME?
HMM...
IS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?
[THUNDER]
[RAIN FALLING]
YOU SEE? NOW THE WEATHER HAS CHANGED.
SO MUCH FOR DINING AL FRESCO.
WHOO!
HOLEY MOLEY.
[MARIA LAUGHING]
Max: BOY!
I'M ALL WET.
WOW.
IT'S REALLY COMING DOWN NOW.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, THE NIGHT CRAWLERS WILL BE OUT SOON.
WHAT'S A NIGHT CRAWLER?
WHAT ARE YOU, A COMMUNIST?
NO.
NIGHT CRAWLER'S THE KING OF ALL WORMS.
THEY COME OUT AT NIGHT AFTER THE RAIN
TO LAY ACROSS THE GRASS, BREATHE THE NIGHT AIR.
THIS RESTAURANT IS SITTING ON TOP OF
ONE OF THE BIGGEST AND BEST WORM BEDS
IN ALL OF WABASHA COUNTY.
AH.
YOU CAN IMAGINE MY EXCITEMENT.
HA HA HA! HA HA!
HONEY, WOULD YOU STOP WORRYING?
MAX IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
I HOPE SO.
I MAY HAVE GIVEN HIM SOME BAD ADVICE EARLIER.
OH, YEAH? WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I TOLD HIM, UH...
I TOLD HIM TO... JUST BE HIMSELF.
YOU SAID WHAT?
Max: DON'T SHINE THE LIGHT RIGHT ON 'EM.
THEY FEEL THE HEAT, THEY ZIP BACK INTO THEIR HOLES.
SO I SHOULD, UH... LIKE THIS?
YEAH. UP. DOWN.
YOU KNOW, MARIA, THAT WORMS HAVE
BOTH MALE AND FEMALE SEXUAL ORGANS?
NO! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
WELL, IT'S TRUE.
YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT WORMS, MAX.
NO, I DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH.
OH, YOU DO. YOU DO.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I PICK UP A TIP.
YES, THAT'S IT. THAT'S GOOD. LIKE--
THERE'S ONE.
AH. SHH.
QUIETLY, NOW.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
TIPTOE OVER--
WILL YOU COME WITH ME?
YES. THEN SUDDENLY REACH DOWN AND GRAB HIM.
OK. OK.
YOU GET NEAR, GRAB HIM.
WHOO!
OH!
HA HA HA!
MARIA. YOU ALL RIGHT, MARIA?
YES.
YOU SCARED EVERY WORM AWAY FOR A RADIUS OF 5 MILES.
I'M SORRY.
HA HA HA!
WHAT?
YOU HAVE A VERY BEAUTIFUL SMILE.
MMM.
MARIA?
YES, MAX.
WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT IF I KISSED YOU?
YES.
I HAVEN'T BEEN WITH A MAN FOR A LONG TIME.
ME NEITHER.
BE GENTLE.
MAMA MIA.
HOLEY MOLEY.
♪ WELL, YOU CAN TELL BY THE WAY I USE MY WALK ♪
♪ I'M A WOMAN'S MAN, NO TIME TO TALK ♪
♪ MUSIC LOUD AND WOMEN WARM ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN KICKED AROUND SINCE I WAS BORN ♪
♪ AND NOW IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S OK ♪
♪ AND YOU MAY LOOK THE OTHER WAY ♪
♪ WE CAN TRY TO UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ THE NEW YORK TIMES' EFFECT ON MAN ♪
♪ WHETHER YOU'RE A BROTHER OR WHETHER YOU'RE A MOTHER ♪
♪ YOU'RE STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN' ALIVE ♪
♪ FEEL THE CITY BREAKIN' AND EVERYBODY SHAKIN' ♪
♪ AND WE'RE STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN' ALIVE ♪
♪ AH, HA, HA, HA
♪ STAYIN' ALIVE
♪ SOMEBODY HELP ME...
GOOD MORNING, MR. GUSTAFSON.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
MM-HMM.
YOU AND THAT BEAUTIFUL LADY?
I AM THE THIEF OF HEARTS,
I AM THE GANGSTER OF LOVE.
GANGSTER, HUH?
WAS IT MORE OF A HOLDUP THAN A STICKUP?
NEVER MIND THAT.
EVEN YOUR INFANTILE PENIS JOKES
SEEM CHARMING AND WITTY THIS MORNING, SIR.
OK, LOTHARIO,
WE GOT TO GET TO THE OCTOBERFEST TO MEET THE KIDS.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
I THINK I LIKED YOU BETTER
BEFORE YOU WERE GETTING ANY.
[POLKA MUSIC PLAYING]
Man: WHOO!
HI, DEAR.
HI, DAD.
HIYA, JACOB.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
OH, NO MORE SURPRISES.
ATTENTION!
NO. YOU'LL LIKE THIS.
IN JUST 8 DAYS,
THESE 2 HAPPY KIDS WILL BE HUSBAND AND WIFE!
YEAH!
UND...
MY DEAR FRIENDS MAX UND JOHN
HAVE ASKED ME,
HANDSOME HANS,
TO BE THEIR MUSIC MAN.
[CHEERING]
LET'S CELEBRATE THE YOUNG LOVERS' NUPTIALS
WITH THE CHICKEN POLKA!
[PLAYING CHICKEN POLKA]
CHICKEN, MAYOR GOLDMAN?
COME ON. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
YOU KNOW THE CHICKEN.
YEAH.
I'M IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR FATHER'S GREAT IDEAS.
YOUR FATHER WAS THE ONE WHO BOOKED OUR RECEPTION HALL.
I THINK HANDSOME HANS WOULD FIT IN PERFECTLY AT SLIPPERY'S BAR.
IT'S A TAVERN.
THIS IS A MISTAKE.
YOU'RE RIGHT. WE'LL GET A DJ. THIS IS CRAZY.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
MELANIE, I KNOW I WANT TO GET MARRIED,
BUT IF YOU'RE NOT SURE, YOU GOT TO TELL ME.
I'M JUST... I'M NOT SURE.
JACOB.
TELL ME THIS NOW?
WE'RE A WEEK AWAY FROM THE WEDDING.
JACOB, I LOVE YOU.
YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO MARRY ME.
NO. THAT'S NOT IT.
I JUST THINK WE SHOULD TAKE OUR TIME.
I'VE BEEN TAKING MY TIME.
HOW DOES WAITING SINCE SECOND GRADE GRAB YOU?
Both: WOULD YOU STOP IT?
[SILENCE]
IT'S LIKE YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED, JA?
HA HA HA HA!
POLKA!
HONEY!
JACOB, I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
REALLY? IF YOU'RE SUCH AN EXPERT,
HOW COME YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S BEEN DIVORCED?
MEL...
HONEY?
THE WEDDING'S OFF.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WE'VE ALREADY PAID FOR EVERYTHING.
HONEY? WH-WH...
WHAT HAPPENED?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
YOUR DAUGHTER GOT COLD FEET.
COLD FEET, MY ASS. YOUR SON INSULTED HER.
WELL, HE DIDN'T SAY NOTHING THAT WASN'T TRUE.
MAYBE SHE CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.
WHAT IS THE TRUTH, MAX?
THE TRUTH IS THAT HER FIRST MARRIAGE WAS A FLOP.
THAT WAS MIKE'S FAULT, AND YOU KNOW THAT.
WELL, IF SHE COULDN'T KEEP MIKE HAPPY,
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SHE CAN KEEP JACOB HAPPY?
THAT'S A LOUSY THING.
MY DAUGHTER WOULDN'T MARRY YOUR SON
IF HE WAS THE LAST MAN IN WABASHA.
THAT'S FINE WITH ME.
I WAS AGAINST THE WHOLE THING FROM THE START.
THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR ME!
THEN IT'S OFF!
YES, EVERYTHING IS OFF!
THE WEDDING IS OFF, AND THE FRIENDSHIP IS OFF,
AND THE GLOVES ARE OFF.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
COME ON, BABY!
COME TO PAPA!
YES! YES!
ATTABOY!
THAT'S IT!
AAH!
WH...
HEY, GUSTAFSON!
[MOTOR STARTS]
WHAT THE HELL? COME BACK.
COME BACK! COME BACK!
COME BACK!
OH, DAMN YOU, GOLDMAN!
WHAT A PUTZ!
Clerk: HI. HOW ARE YOU?
OK. HOW ARE YOU?
HERE'S YOUR CARD.
THAT'S IT FOR YOU?
YEP. THAT'LL DO IT.
YOU HAVE A NICE DAY, MR. GUSTAFSON.
THANKS VERY MUCH.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
WHAT...
[CLAPPING AND LAUGHING]
MAX!
WHERE THE...
YOU BASTARD.
♪ DO DOO DOO
[SWING MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ DOO DOO DOO
Record: ♪ 'SWONDERFUL
♪ 'SMARVELOUS...
YOU DANCE VERY WELL.
THANK YOU.
MARIA.
I GOT THIS FOR YOU.
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
OH, MAX! MAX!
IT'S A CUBIC ZIRCONIA.
GOT IT FROM THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK.
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
HERE. LET ME HELP YOU.
SEE HOW IT LOOKS.
YOU JUST PUT THAT LIKE THAT.
YOU DON'T LIKE IT, HUH?
IT'S BEAUTIFUL. IT'S JUST, UM...
JUST WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW. THINGS ARE MOVING SO FAST.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH FAST?
I LIKE FAST.
I DIDN'T PLAN ON MEETING SOMEBODY LIKE YOU
WHEN I CAME TO WABASHA.
OH, BUT YOU'RE HAPPY, HUH?
YES, BUT THAT IS WHAT WORRIES ME.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, MAX.
♪ 'SWONDERFUL, 'SMARVELOUS ♪
♪ GLORIOUS, IT'S GLAMOROUS ♪
♪ THAT YOU SHOULD CARE FOR ME ♪
OK, SLICK. SHARPEN THOSE CLAWS.
[MEOW]
♪ BA BA BA BUM
♪ BA BA BA BEE
[HORN HONKS]
♪ BA BA BA BEE
♪ BO BO BO BO BO BO ♪
♪ BA BA BA BO--
AAH! GET OUT OF THERE!
HOLEY MOLEY.
YOU JUST KISSED YOUR NINTH LIFE GOOD-BYE, SLICK!
Woman: THIS ONE IS VERY SWEET.
THAT ONE WITH THE BIG TONGUE AND THE BIG BROWN EYES IS GREAT.
HMM. WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?
THIS ONE?
YES. ONE-EYE.
NO NUTS?
YOU MEAN LUCKY. YOU DON'T WANT HIM.
I'LL TAKE HIM. HERE, LUCKY.
[BARK]
[GROWLING]
HA HA HA HA!
HE'S CUTE.
[MEOW]
AHH... GOOD MORNING, SLICK.
WHAT A NICE KITTY CAT.
YES, YOU ARE.
AND I SEE YOU'VE CRAPPED ON MY NEWSPAPER AGAIN, HMM?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A NEW FRIEND THIS MORNING, HMM?
LUCKY! KILL SLICK!
LUCKY!
KILL SLICK!
[BARKS]
[MEOW]
[BARKING]
AH HA HA HA!
[REEOOWW]
OW! WHO THE...
JOHN!
COME HERE, BABY.
NOOO!
UHH!
WHOA!
EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.
SLICK!
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, YOU PUTZ?
WHY, YOU DIRTY...
I'LL KILL YOU.
YOU RUINED MY REFINISHED SEATS.
YOU BROADCAST MY NAKED ASS TO HALF OF WABASHA.
BIG DEAL. TAKE THAT, YOU VANDAL!
YOU DAMN NEAR KILLED MY CAT.
THAT MANGY ANIMAL'S
BEEN CRAPPING ON MY PAPER FOR YEARS!
THAT BUTT-UGLY...
GIVE ME THAT POLE.
GET THAT POLE OFF.
AH!
[DUELING FISHING POLES]
THAT'S IT.
IF MY DOG WAS AS UGLY AS YOU,
I'D SHAVE HIS ASS AND TEACH HIM TO WALK BACKWARDS.
[DOOR SLAMS]
ARIEL!
THE TRUTH DOESN'T WORK WITH ME.
MAX, TIME OUT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
HOME, AND YOU CAN CALL ME
WHEN THIS STUPID WAR IS OVER.
SHE LEFT ME.
YOU'RE SURPRISED?
TV: HERE WE ARE.
IT'S SO GOOD.
NOW YOU WANT TO PUT IN JUST A PINCH OF SALT.
JUST A PINCH. OOP! DAMN IT!
NOT TOO MUCH.
NOW YOU TELL ME.
YOU DON'T WANT TO OVERPOWER THE SAUCE.
OH, SHUT UP.
THERE WE ARE. LOTS OF GARNISH HERE.
TIME TO LOOK AT THE BIRDS.
THE BIRD.
AAH! FIRE!
FIRE! JACOB, I GOT A FIRE HERE.
TV: ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.
ANYBODY CAN MAKE THESE. IT'S SIMPLE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M TRYING TO COOK A GOURMET DINNER FOR MARIA.
UH-HUH.
LOOK AT IT.
OH! SHE'LL BE IMPRESSED.
TELL HER IT'S CAJUN.
YES.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?
HAVEN'T DECIDED YET,
BUT I'M LEANING TOWARD MYSTERY STEW.
I DON'T MEAN TO BE A PESSIMIST, POP,
BUT MAYBE YOU NEED A BACKUP PLAN.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE?
JELLY SANDWICHES?
GET CRACKING.
I USED TO LOVE JELLY SANDWICHES
WITH PEANUT BUTTER.
YOU DID, TOO, WHEN YOU WERE A KID.
[SIGHS]
HEY, COME ON. GO OVER THERE
AND TELL HER YOU'RE SORRY. GO AHEAD.
OH, I TRIED TO, BUT SHE WON'T EVEN TALK TO ME.
NOT THAT I BLAME HER.
[SIGHS]
Mama: YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH THIS MAX GOLDMAN.
I LIKE HIM, MAMA, A LOT.
HE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART, LIKE THE OTHERS.
NAH, THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT.
YOU SAY FERNANDO IS DIFFERENT,
AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.
I WAS A GIRL, MAMA.
THEN THERE WAS EDUARDO THE DRUNK.
THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
MARCELLO THE WOMANIZER WAS NOT THAT LONG AGO.
I'M NOT LISTENING TO THIS.
AND NEXT CAME CARLO THE CON MAN.
ARE YOU FINISHED?
I WISH I WERE,
BUT THEN I WOULD BE FORGETTING ANTONIO!
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
ALL 5 I WARN YOU AGAINST,
AND ALL 5 YOU MARRIED!
MAMA!
YOU ARE A GOOD GIRL,
BUT YOU ARE CURSED IN LOVE.
THAT ISN'T TRUE.
FOR ONCE, MARIA, LISTEN TO YOUR MAMA.
DO YOU CARE FOR HIM?
YES.
THEN LEAVE HIM BE.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ WHAT A DAY THIS HAS BEEN ♪
♪ WHAT A RARE MOOD I'M IN ♪
♪ WHY, IT'S ALMOST LIKE BEING IN LOVE ♪
♪ THERE'S A SMILE ON MY FACE ♪
♪ FOR THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE ♪
♪ WHY, IT'S ALMOST LIKE BEING IN LOVE ♪
♪ AH, THE MUSIC OF LIFE SEEMS TO BE ♪
♪ LIKE A BELL THAT IS RINGING FOR ME... ♪
[RING]
♪ ...WAY THAT I FEEL
♪ WHEN THAT BELL STARTS TO PEAL ♪
♪ I WOULD SWEAR I WAS FALLING ♪
[RING]
♪ I COULD SWEAR I WAS FALLING ♪
♪ WHY, IT'S ALMOST LIKE BEING IN LOVE ♪
[RING]
HEY, POP.
WELL, I'VE REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME.
I'VE REALLY SCREWED IT UP.
JAKE AND MELANIE CALLED OFF THE MARRIAGE.
JAKE'S MOVED IN WITH MAX.
MAX AND I ARE AT IT AGAIN.
AND ON TOP OF THAT ARIEL'S MOVED BACK INTO HER HOUSE WITH MELANIE.
NOW, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT ALL THAT?
HUH?
POP?
LOOKS LIKE GOD REMEMBERED YOU, POP.
I'M SORRY.
Jack: HEY, MORON.
HELLO, PUTZ.
MIND IF I JOIN YOU?
NO. HELP YOURSELF.
I KNEW YOUR OLD MAN
LONGER THAN I KNEW MY OWN.
HE WAS ALWAYS VERY FOND OF YOU, MAX.
HE WAS A GOOD MAN.
THE BEST.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID
ABOUT MELANIE THE OTHER DAY.
YOU KNOW HOW I REALLY FEEL ABOUT JACOB.
HE'S A GOOD BOY.
YEAH.
I JUST DON'T WANT HIM TO BE LONELY.
HE DESERVES BETTER.
HE DESERVES MELANIE.
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?
WANT TO GET DRUNK?
YEAH.
Allie: COME ON, GRANDPA JOHN. HURRY UP!
YEAH, I'M COMING, ALLIE.
BUT YOU ALREADY GOT ENOUGH CANDY IN THIS BAG
TO GIVE THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD CAVITIES.
TV: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ENSURE THAT 6 MONTHS FROM NOW
YOU FEEL HAPPIER AND MORE LOVED THAN YOU DO TODAY?
'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? THE TRUTH IS, IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING,
NOTHING IN YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE.
SPREAD THE SEEDS, KEEP IT WATERED,
AND WATCH IT GROW.
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIA
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE AMAZING?
STOP THE INSANITY!
FROM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACE IN THE WORLD
COMES THE MOST EXOTIC TANNING PRODUCT IN THE WORLD--
HAWAIIAN TROPIC.
NATURAL OILS,
TROPICAL FRUITS,
FLORA, NUTS,
AND PROTECTIVE SUNSCREENS.
A COMPLETE SUN CARE LINE
CREATED BY ONE MAN, RON WEISS,
FOR ONE REASON.
UHH!
AH!
WHAT ARE YOU FEEDING THIS DOG?
HORMEL CHILI.
EWW!
HE LIKES IT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
TRICK OR TREAT!
OH, TRICK OR TREAT.
I FORGOT, JUST PLAIN FORGOT.
HIYA, HIYA, KIDS.
HERE'S A COASTER,
AND THERE'S A STAPLER FOR YOU.
OPEN YOUR BAG. THAT'S IT. GOOD SHOT.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
HI, UNCLE MAX!
WHO'S THAT? ALLIE?
HELLO, ALLIE.
IS ALLIE HERE? OH, LOOK AT YOU.
LET'S HEAR A POLAR BEAR GROWL.
GRRR!
Max: HAPPY HALLOWEEN, THERE, PUTZO.
HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?
YOU WEAR THE SAME COSTUME EVERY...CHRISTMAS.
HA HA HA HA!
HALLOWEEN.
Jake: HEY, ALLIE.
HEY, YOU. HOW'S YOUR MOM DOING?
OK. WANT TO COME OVER?
YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT? YOU WANT TO GO OVER AND JUST SAY HI, JAKE?
SHE'D PROBABLY THROW ME OUT
THE MOMENT SHE SAW MY FACE.
UH, MAX, I THINK I GOT AN IDEA.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH!
TRICK OR TREAT!
HEY, YOU! OHH!
MMM! HOW DID WE DO TONIGHT?
UNCLE MAX GAVE ME A CAN OPENER
AND A BUNCH OF LAUNDRY DETERGENT.
HE DID?
YES, HE DID.
HA!
ALLIE?
I'M GOING TO BED, MOM.
DON'T YOU WANT TO WATCH THE SCARY MOVIE?
I SAID I'M GOING TO BED!
WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO HER?
YOU LOOK GREAT, MEL.
YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I NEEDED TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MEL...
TO TELL YOU HOW SORRY I WAS
FOR THE WAY I ACTED THE OTHER DAY.
I JUST THOUGHT I COULDN'T BE HAPPY
UNLESS WE WERE MARRIED,
AND I REALIZE NOW...
I JUST WANT YOU IN MY LIFE.
THAT'S ALL I WANT.
IF WE EVER DO GET MARRIED, I...
I PROMISE YOU...
WE'LL USE A PROFESSIONAL WEDDING COORDINATOR.
HA HA HA!
YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.
OH, JACOB.
MMM, JACOB?
HMM?
THEY'RE WATCHING US.
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
MM-HMM.
NO, THEY'RE NOT. YES, THEY ARE.
HA HA! LET'S CELEBRATE. BEERS ARE ON ME.
I'D LOVE TO, MAX,
BUT I'VE GOT SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL
WAITING FOR ME OVER THERE.
OF COURSE, IF YOU HAD HALF A BRAIN,
YOU COULD HAVE THE SAME THING.
SHE DUMPED ME.
MAX, WOULD YOU PARK THAT STUPID PRIDE OF YOURS JUST ONCE?
YOU MIGHT SURPRISE YOURSELF.
I GOT TO SPEAK TO MARIA.
OH, PUT DOWN THAT BAT.
SHE DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU.
WELL, I AIN'T LEAVIN' HERE UNTIL I SEE MARIA!
OOH, AT LAST, I GET TO WHACK HIM!
MAMA.
MAMA, PLEASE. PLEASE, MAMA.
MARIA, WE NEED TO TALK.
THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
WELL, AT LEAST GIVE ME AN EXPLANATION.
I THINK I DESERVE THAT MUCH.
YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YES?
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED BEFORE.
TO ANTONIO. I KNOW.
BUT ALSO TO FERNANDO AND CARLO...
AND EDUARDO...
AND MARCELLO.
HOLEY MOLEY.
YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED 5 TIMES.
SO NOW YOU UNDERSTAND?
MOTHER IS RIGHT.
I'M CURSED IN LOVE.
WAIT! WAIT!
WILL YOU WAIT, PLEASE?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
WITH THOSE OTHER GUYS,
BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT ME.
I KNOW I'M NO GREAT PRIZE,
BUT I'M LOYAL, I'M HONEST,
AND I KNOW HOW TO TREAT A LADY.
AND ANYBODY SAYS ANY DIFFERENT
DOESN'T KNOW HER ASS FROM HER ELBOW.
LOOK, I GOT A WEEK'S WORTH OF LEFTOVERS
AT THE HOUSE,
SO IF YOU CARE TO JOIN ME
FOR SOME MYSTERY STEW AND SOME JELLY SANDWICHES,
I WOULD BE INDEED HONORED.
THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.
YOU MUST REALLY LIKE JELLY SANDWICHES.
YES.
♪ DING DONG DING DONG DING
♪ DING DING DING-A-LING DING ♪
♪ YEP, YEP, DING-A-LING DING ♪
♪ I HEAR WEDDING BELLS
♪ RING WOO HOO HOO HOO
♪ RING-A-LONG DING DONG ♪
♪ RING HEE HOO HOO
♪ RING-A-LONG DING DONG ♪
♪ RING HEE HOO HOO
♪ RING-A-LONG DING DONG... ♪
TRES MAGNIFIQUE, MAX.
THANK YOU, MR. GUSTAFSON.
HONEY, WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE BEHIND.
WE'LL MEET YOU AT THE CHURCH, OK?
DON'T BE LATE.
♪ I HEAR BELLS WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER ♪
♪ I HEAR BELLS, WEDDING BELLS ♪
♪ YEP, YEP, DING-A-LING DING ♪
♪ I HEAR WEDDING BELLS...
SAY, JOHN, ISN'T THAT SVEN OVER THERE?
SVEN?
HEY, SVEN.
SVEN?
HEY, SVEN.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE SEEN A GHOST.
BIGGEST FISH I EVER SEEN.
CATFISH HUNTER. YEAH.
OH, YEAH. YEAH.
OH, I FOUGHT THE BEAST FOR AN HOUR,
AND I HAD HIM RIGHT UP INTO THE BOAT,
AND THEN...
HE SMILED.
HE SMILED? SEE?
AND THEN HE BIT THE POLE IN HALF.
HOLEY MOLEY!
IF I HADN'T MOVED MY HAND AT THE LAST MOMENT...
JUDAS PRIEST.
OH, THAT--THAT WAS THE BIGGEST...DAMN FISH
I EVER SEEN.
WHEW.
DON'T EVEN THINK OF IT.
MY BOAT IS BEACHED
NOT MORE THAN A HUNDRED YARDS FROM HERE.
NO.
WE'LL JUST GIVE IT 10 MINUTES.
AFTER THAT WE PULL ANCHOR AND GO STRAIGHT TO THE CHURCH.
NO.
BUT WHAT IF TODAY'S THE DAY AND WE MISS HIM?
SOMEBODY ELSE COULD CATCH OUR FISH!
SOME STRANGER WITH OUR FISH MOUNTED ON HIS WALL!
IT'S TOO HORRIBLE TO THINK ABOUT.
[RING]
CONGRATULATIONS, JACOB.
MAX, LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, LET'S GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE?
WE'VE STILL GOT MORE TIME.
THAT DAMN FISH WILL BE HALFWAY TO RED WING BY NOW.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
5 MORE MINUTES.
WE'LL BE LATE!
WEDDINGS NEVER START ON TIME.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?
I'M GOING.
ALL RIGHT. YOU'LL HAVE TO SWIM BACK.
WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
DON'T TOUCH MY MOTOR.
WILL YOU SIT DOWN, JOHN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?
5 MORE MINUTES.
JUST SIT THERE FOR A MINUTE AND SHUT UP.
MORON.
PUTZ.
HOLY JESUS. MAX!
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
EASY, EASY.
DON'T WORRY.
AHH...
LOOK AT HIM GO.
NOW HE'S GOING TO STOP.
[GASPS]
AND NOW I'M GOING TO...
UHH!
THAT'S CATFISH HUNTER. IT'S GOT TO BE.
AAH! OHH!
I THINK YOU PISSED HIM OFF.
HANG ON, MAX. I THINK WE'RE GOING FOR A RIDE.
THERE.
UHH! HANG ON.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S A FISH.
MAYBE IT'S NOT A FISH.
MAYBE IT'S SOMETHING FROM OUTER SPACE.
KEEP THE TIP UP.
THE TIP IS UP.
TIGHTEN THE DRAG.
HE BETTER BE DEAD.
THAT'S THE ONLY EXCUSE I'M TAKING RIGHT NOW.
WORK HIM! WORK HIM!
I'M WORKING HIM, YOU DUMMY.
PUMP HIM! PUMP HIM! TIP UP! TIP UP!
THE TIP IS UP, YOU IDIOT!
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S NOT AN IMPORTANT DAY.
NO. NO REASON TO BE HERE.
HANG ON.
DROP THE ANCHOR, MAX.
YOU CUT THE ANCHOR, YOU PUTZ.
WELL, THEN, GRAB THE NET.
YOU CUT THE NET, TOO, YOU DICKHEAD.
HERE, LOOK AT IT.
ALL RIGHT. FORGET THE NET.
JUST GIVE ME A HAND, WILL YOU?
THE ONLY THING YOU EVER CAUGHT IN YOUR LIFE WAS A VIRUS.
PUT YOUR GLOVES ON, WILL YOU?
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO DO IT.
HERE'S THE WAY YOU DO IT.
NOW WATCH THE FISHERMAN WORK IT.
GRAB HIM!
CRIME IN ITALY.
HOLEY MOLEY!
MY GOD, LOOK AT THIS THING.
HOLEY MOLEY!
OK, GET HIS TAIL.
I GOT HIS TAIL!
NOW!
AAH!
OK.
AHH!
[ORGAN PLAYING]
IS THAT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING
YOU'VE SEEN IN YOUR LIFE?
IF I DIE TODAY, I DIE A HAPPY MAN.
IF YOU DIE TODAY, I'M TAKING YOUR MOTOR.
HA HA HA HA!
AHH! HA HA HA!
MAX?
HUH?
LET'S LET HIM GO.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
DAD TRIED TO CATCH THAT FISH FOR 20 YEARS.
CATFISH HUNTER DESERVES TO BE IN THE LAKE WITH POP.
GUSTAFSON, YOU ARE ONE SICK BASTARD.
GOOD.
GOOD-BYE, CATFISH.
HUH?
WHAT?
HEY! THE WEDDING! WHAT TIME IS IT?
WE'VE GOT ANOTHER WEDDING
COMING IN AT 3:00.
WE'LL MAKE IT BY THEN. 3:00?
♪ GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TIME ♪
DON'T SING THAT.
[HORNS HONKING]
MOVE IT!
[HONKING]
AAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OK, JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER.
NO, JACOB. THAT'S IT FOR ME.
I'M DONE. THAT'S IT.
THE WEDDING HASN'T STARTED YET.
♪ BUM BUM BA BUM
DO YOU SEE MY HANDS, JACOB?
JUST KEEP PLAYING.
[HONKING]
WEDDING.
HO--
JEE--
JESUS!
AHEM.
WE'RE HERE!
WAIT! WAIT!
WAIT! HOLD IT!
WE'RE HERE!
WAIT! WE'RE HERE!
WE'RE HERE! WAIT!
WHAT'S WITH THE BOOTS?
I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.
YOU'LL EXPLAIN NOW. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'VE BEEN HOLDING THIS THING UP FOR HOURS.
I WAS, UH...
See what we missed?
Thank God we eloped.
[WEDDING MARCH PLAYS]
YOU GOT THE RING?
UH, YEAH.
MY SON-IN-LAW HAS GOT THE FACE OF A MACKEREL.
OX.
NAG.
WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN MAXWELL GOLDMAN
AND MARIA SOPHIA COLLETA RAGETTI
IN HOLY MATRIMONY.
[CHEERING]
THANK YOU.
BE SURE TO WATCH LUCKY FOR US.
I'M GOING TO MISS THAT UGLY MUG OF HIS.
DON'T WORRY, MAX.
YOU'RE GOING TO SEE HIM BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.
I'M GONNA MISS YOUR UGLY MUG, TOO.
GOD BLESS YOU, SIR.
LET GO OF MY HAND. I'M VERY BUSY.
YOO-HOO!
CIAO!
♪ MARIA...
OH, MAX, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
WHAT SMELL?
OH, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
HMM?
AAH! AAH! AAH!
WHAT A MORON.
[LAUGHING]
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO BACK TO MY PLACE,
AND I'LL SHOW YOU MY SPICY, PEPPY PEPPERONI?
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO BACK TO MY HOUSE,
AND I'LL SHOW YOU MY MAN-SIZED MANICOTTI?
BEAUTIFUL.
I AM THE GANGSTER OF LOVE.
I AM THE LOTHARIO OF FARTS.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.
GET IN THE CAR, MAX.
I CAN'T.
I FARTED AND I'M AFRAID TO MOVE.
DEAR--WHA--
WHAT THE HELL IS HER NAME?
ARIEL?
WHAT'S HER NAME AGAIN?
MARIA.
SHE LEFT ME.
YOU'RE SURPRISED?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME.
HEY, DICKHEAD, I'M STUCK.
I'VE BEEN TO HAWAII.
WHICH ISLAND?
I-KINDA-LIKE-A-POKE-YA.
YOU-LIKE-A-LICKY-DICKY.
I'M-A-KINDA-KINKY.
WANT-A-PEEK-A-PEE-PEE?
SOME STRANGER COULD CATCH OUR FISH.
SOME SCHMUCK WITH HIS FISH AND MY FISH
AND YOUR FISH UP ON THE [BLEEP] WALL,
AND I AM...
[CRACKING UP]
GET ANOTHER ACTOR. PLEASE.
SHE'S NOTHING BUT A PIGHEADED ITALIAN WITH--
[RASPBERRY]
ONE MORE FROM THE TOP,
AND A LITTLE BIT MORE OUT OF BREATH, YEAH?
IF I WAS MORE OUT OF BREATH, I'D BE DEAD.
YOU'RE STILL A PUTZ.
THAT'S MY LINE!
YOU WILL NEVER EVEN KNOW IT'S THERE.
OK. MMM!
I LOVE YOU! MMM!
OHH!
HE'S A CRIMINAL.
[CREW LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[EVERYONE LAUGHING]
SHOULD THE VEIL BE UP?
HO--
OX!
JESUS CHRIST.
WHY THE [BLEEP] DON'T YOU LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING THERE?
WHY DON'T YOU COME TO MY PLACE?
I'LL SHOW YOU MY BEEFY BOLOGNA.
HUH? NO?
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE MY BONY MACARONI?
OR MY FATTY ALFREDO?
OR MY HARD SALAMI?
I GOT 'EM ALL.
[CREW LAUGHING]